Why?!

I don't know anymore what to do. I am so exhausted. When does finally end this damn disease? Will there be an end? I don't know. The way I am now I find hard enough already, will it become even worse??!! Oh God please I hope not. What else does this damn disease brings me? Will I die of this damn disease? Maybe my heart stops of my breathing? How will this be? Will I accept it? I don't know. I think I have so much agression in me, but I am too exhausted and maybe also too scared to let it be, maybe I can't stop it and will go nuts? I think I am already, lately, going nuts once in a while. What if this gets worse, what if I can't stop it, what if I have no control anymore? Do I actually have control on something? I don't think so! If I want to drink somethinig I have to ask someone. That's no control over anything, I think I even have no control over my thoughts or emotions. What is this for life, can you even still call it a life? Okay, I still breath, well not always, but that's it! Will my life be like this for the rest of my life? No thanks then I PASS! Life has not much meaning for me like this. What am I? I am no active girl of 28 years, I look like already dead they just forgot me to burry me or something. What is this? I am just like a plant infront of a window, nothing more. I am afraid of what this dams disease will bring me or better said will not bring me anymore, never!!! Always being lived, being lived by this damn disaese. You may never and can't do ever what you want. Even the small things; feeding ducks, go to the mall with mom even if it is in that fucking wheelchair. I would be so unbelievable happy with it. And oh what would I be happy if I could get Poesje back, my sweet treasure! I don't know anymore, I am so exhausted, am I going nuts. Who can tell me what to do? I want to quit, but somehow I also don't want to quit. God what is happening to me and WHY? To what have I desserved this, have I done something wrong? What and do I have to punished like this? Do I actually believe in God? Since Poesje actually certainly no more! How will I look at this tomorrow when I read back all this. How will my day be tomorrow. Again the same as normally; too exhausted and sick as a dog to do what ever!!!!!!
I don't remember what I have written, I hope it has helped a bit so I can try to go to sleep.
(Remark: Poesje was my kiten, unfortunately she was hit by a car on December 15 1998 and didn't survive this.)

February 18, 1999

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