Grief

I have got a lot of sorrow; my sweat almost 12 year old cat named Timmy isn't anymore. One day he didn't came home and I don't know what has happened. We made cards with a picture of Timmy and put them in mail boxes, hang them in stores etc. We did get a few reactions, but we didn't find Timmy. So since February 14 I also have to miss Timmy next to Poesje and Mauke. I had Timmy for almost 12 years and we encountered a lot of things together. As I left my ex-husband I had to flee and couldn't take Timmy with me. I had to miss Timmy for 3 months and in those 3 months I worried a lot about Timmy... my ex-husband didn't liked Timmy that much because he always was my cat. Finally after 3 months I could/was allowed to pick up Timmy, what was I startled! My ex-husband had held Timmy all that time in a small room without a litter and often also without food. You must know that Timmy is a real outdoor cat, if you keep him in he can destroy a lot that's how wild he can get then... he just can't stand being locked in. Timmy was really skin, very nervous and his black fur was mat. I had to do a lot of effort before Timmy trusted me again and I could pick him up to take with me. It took months before he was less nervous and again looking like a healthy cat with a healthy, shiny black fur. He has always stayed somewhat nervous though. So you see, Timmy and I have encountered a lot together and now Timmy is no more. I miss him tremendously and I just don't understand what has happened!!!!!! Timmy is too withdrawn to go with a stranger, if he hears a car he quickly hides in the bushes... I just don't get it. Now I have heard that if a cat feels that he will die he runs away from home to die at a peaceful place. I don't know if this is true? If Timmy has passed away then I rather wished he had done this at home. Now I don't know what has happened; did he died peacefully without suffering, did someone take him, if so where is and is he happy. So many questions. I just don't understand... WHY!!!!! Why me, why my cats, why. I already have to miss and take in so many, live is hard enough already, why does this happen with MY cats, why not someone else's cats, someone who is not sick and doesn't has such a hard live, WHY!!!!! It is so tough already to keep wanting staying alive and not give up, so why does this happen, it makes me often wanna give up and I am wondering for what I keep going.

Also Lintje, my dear sweat friend, is no more. Friday 29 March 2002 she chose for euthanasia. She was full of joy till her disease took it all away from her. She had a lot of pain due to her disease and was sick as a dog and with each attack she could get in a coma or die, not knowing when the attack would stop, or if she would have a good day, or maybe a good moment. Not able to do anything, no watching TC, no visitors, no more reading, writing etc, everything made her even more sick. She endured it for years to live with that uncertainty till it was too much for her. I am glad Lintje has her peace now and is freed from her pain and sorrow, even though I grief about her and will miss her. You know, I am even a bit jealous of her that she has dared to take the big step, I am really proud of her!
I myself am also thinking about euthanasia for years, sometimes I want to but I don't dare to take that step yet. Lintje however has made me thinking, I know now for myself that when I reach my limit I want euthanasia too. I have already asked for the papers and as soon as I have them I will fill them in and send them back. I realised what my limit is, namely when I can't watch TV and work on my computer anymore, because then I can only lye down while staring in front of me or with my eyes closed. I regularly have a couple of days that I can't anything else but staring in front of me, I also am not able to talk then and express myself or understand what other people say. If this will take longer then a couple of days then that is my limit. I have also talked this over with Henk and he has given me permission. Of course I can do it without his permission, but now that I have his permission I feel a certain peace. I now know it's okay. Henk also agrees with my limit, also he luckily agrees with me that then I really have nothing anymore.

You are probably wondering why I write all this on my website. Well, I needed to write, I had it difficult with it. And I want to make this page some kind of a memorial to Timmy and Lintje. (Linda had acute intermittent porphyria and considering her symptoms almost certain also ME.)

April 8, 2002

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