Back

Of course we had to wait for a long time and as the specialist (internist) finally came she also said that hospitalization wasn’t necessary, after all I wasn’t dehydrated enough yet for a drip. That it was too much for Henk to keep taking care of me could we solve by admitting me in a nursing home or at the psychosomatic ward! And then we could go home again… around 03.00h the ambulance had taken me back home again. Because it is for Henk easier, they lay me in the living room in the hospital bed instead of upstairs. It is for me less quiet than lying upstairs, but for Henk less tiring then each time coming upstairs and laying downstairs he can better keep an eye on me.

The specialist advised us to call our gp the next day and to ask him for his approval for a drip, because I do were suffering from dehydration. She also gave us a letter for our gp in which she advised a drip as also admittance in a nursing home or at the psychosomatic ward. The next day our gp came, but he also said that a drip wasn’t necessary. First of all because I wasn’t dehydrated enough yet and second because, according to him my body then would become lazy and so it wouldn’t want to swallow at all anymore and with this the problem would only become worse! We of course felt left all alone. And besides I again had the feeling that I would die, this was frightening but I also looked forward to it… finally redemption! I felt so exhausted/sick and abandoned by physicians, that I wanted to end it myself… but how? I couldn’t swallow too much medicine, because I couldn’t swallow at all. Grabbing a knife and slice my wrists wasn’t also an option, because I couldn’t move. And you can’t hold your breath, at least I can’t... I tried. So I had no other options than keep on going and hoping that it quickly would get better however I had the feeling that this would take for a long while if at all I would get feel somewhat better. Everybody who has seen me then (Henk, my parents, my help, a friend of Henk and his girlfriend, the neighbour because he came by to ask what was going on 'cause he had seen the ambulance the day before) thought that I wouldn’t make it.

It was especially tough for Henk and my mother.

I do have to say that in that time I did get respect for the people who choose to die by not eating and drinking… because it is really hard, difficult and painful if you don’t eat/drink, I have experienced this by myself… it was really harsh.

Next

Sitemap